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The Corrugated Duck's Agony aunt Page
Our resident expert, Corrugated Duck is here for advice on anything you want to get off your chest, any issues relating to cabbages either professional or personal.
I used to think sprouts
were baby cabbages
Davide Jean-Vie, age 16, Bromsgrove
This is a common problem many people suffer from,
which I believe is due to the lack of education about cabbages in
schools. It is a very serious problem which is only curable by
thrusting a small rat into your goldfish bowl. If that fails then
you could always try mixing wallpaper with a loaf of crusty
bread.
I think my cabbage is
cheating on me, when I turn into a mongoose it looks at me as if
it couldn't count to 20 without repeating the word
"unselfish" at the top of its voice until its time to
take a shower.
I really dont know what to do, I've tried laughing at it's
lingerie but it's disappeared down the garden path into my
laundry basket.
Percy Plasticene, age 21, John Major's laundry
basket
Well you really need to ask yourself "Is there enough room
in the shower for Liam Daish and I to play draughts in
peace?" If the answer is an obvious "maybe" then
you need to think a little harder about what you do to Steve
Bruce that makes him dream of Plymouth Argyle in the 5th round of
the Axa-Sponsored FA cup.
Cream Crackers- Friend or
foe?
Willy Nilly, age 13, Wessex
Well there are 2 points of view to this conundrum- the
first is if we keep a low profile we can overthrow Larry Walker
as chairman of my garden shed.
There has been talk of Barry Manilow moving in next door to my
hairdresser- maybe we will see what it's really like to
drive a tractor through germany while accompanied by a bishop's
landlady.
My boyfriend who I have
been seeing for 3 months I have discovered to be cheating on me.
I am devestated, what do I do?
Sarah Parker, age 15, Birmingham
Don't be silly
I have only discovered a turnip is
living in my backside. I tried to inject it with onion skin but
it looks at me as if i was a turkey burger desperately in need of
assistance.
ps dirty beats and tom kendrick
Willy am f. olley
If javelins are your staple diet I suggest you try a
more... relaxed approach. Drastic plastic may have some side
effects but it is well worth investing in a grape vine. Jeremy
Guscott will be more than happy to help you at the launch
ceremony. Open your shelf and search for a bubble bath. No more
tears shampoo will be along with you in a minute, just ask
yourself the following questions....
1. Are you involved in any way with freshcos buy 1 get 1 free
offer on selected lip balms??
2. Have you ever tryed feeding your armchair jehovas witnesses
3. Got fair live drink shine play focus?
I hope this answered your conundrum.
Dear Nan, When smearing my genitals in
jelly, is it best to do ‘the willy dance’ or just
gyrate generally towards the nearest wall? Because enjoyable it
may be, but then so is getting a woodpecker into a headlock, and
we all know that’s wrong. Especially if it has partially
dissolved or is involved in the school band. Mobile disco maybe
the way forward for most people, but it's never got me engaged in
close conversation with a frozen dog. But I do like to see an
electronically controlled anus, don’t get me wrong, just
take precautions. Thanks.
Tat of old
If you have plenty of free time on your hands you might
want to try marching into an old peoples home wearing a bandana
and challenging them to "see if they can touch their nose
with the tip of their tongue". Bearing that in mind, you
would be foolish to turn down a golden opportunity to hone in on
a big portion of chips.
A football mascot has lost touch of reality, he is known to
forecast the weather with little or no accuracy, and in doing so
puts himself and others at risk from Gary Glitter falling out of
the sky.
I have realised that my phone is having
an afair with the mongoose in my ear.i ussually would take calpol
to prevent this but my steering wheel tells me that my poodle
lays eggs whenever eastenders comes on the Fridge. Am i Gay?
p.s. I am a fish.
James Bond
Heat seeking missiles are a thing of the past, you are
more likely to purchase an egg sandwich than point me in the
right direction of the cafeteria. If you ever lose me in a big
crowd, don't forget to laminate your goldfish using pedigree
chum.
And the most important thing is to remember that I am a landmine
so don't tread on me when you're busy running after a one hit
wonder.
The answer to your question, by the way, is "no, you're not
Gary.". 95% of homophobics are trying to convince themselves
that they aren't Gary, so if you're a real man then you would
have a willy.
Am i perminatly addicted to skating and
young girls? Is there a cure? If there is, what is it, cus i am
DYING to find out.
Miss Sand
Skating on top of Mandy Jordache's older brother may be
a cause for concern, but be careful with rory underwood as he may
find himself shaking hands with a salad dressing.
Young girls, eh? YOUR GAME IS UP my son, seeing you in that wooly
hat reminded me of sunglasses at a carnival in nottinghamshire.
Handy as golf clubs might be they don't get you very far in this
day and age.
I also have a problem I am attracted to
the older woman especially women of authority like a teacher but
I was recently rejected by my biology teacher how do you attract
the ladies. Please help me your my only hope. and Spaniel says
"clee sparks, WHO???????"
Jean Plebber and Spaniel Gangwin
If you dress like a turnip farmer then what do you
expect??Jason Roberts is expected to arrive accompanied by a
friend who goes by the name of Michael the obsessed gremlin, but
this time I have located your Feline friends all along.
I put my tremendous success with the ladies down to my sofa. I'm
sorry to hear about your problems, the only way to cure this is
to go out and have plastic surgery on your sofa, the only thing
girls look for in a bloke is their sofa. Shallow I know but that
is the harsh reality of it.
I'm sorry about your troubles but Barry White is in my living
room asking for a large fries to go with his sugar puffs.
how can anyone ever tell who clee spark
is when some days he acts like a fire hazard and others like a
dustbin. obviously we all know he is a fully qualified full time
rapist but what is his hidden desire. can you help o corrugated
one
P.S. MIND THE BLACK STUFF ON GILES GRIMANDIS BACK IT'S
LETHAL
P.P.S. I WAS THE STAR IN LETHAL WEAPON
WITH REGARDS JOHN FICKLE(AKA SPANIEL BALL)
"Master the pizza"- full on grapefruit juice
won't have time to cook you a lemon souffle in time for last
years new year celebrations tomato ketchup will come in handy.
News just in- you need a licence to treat Dave Watson to a slap
up dinner; just make sure he doesnt wear that Spiderman costume-
Carl Court will have a field day trying to iron a full on
Portaloo down in Devon.
TRIP OVER A BANK MANAGER I HAVE A HABIT OF CLINGING TO THEATRES.
When I signed your petition, it asked
me something about a monkey. I was just wondering if you could
clear something up for me- what is a monkey? And another thing-
what exactly is a cabbage? The last question I have is- were you
a normal duck before becoming corrugated? Does being corrugated
give you extra knowledge? If it does, do you think I should
become corrugated?
Paolo the chimney sweep, the Mezzagiorno
Looks like you could have a severe case of saturday
night fever. Throw all your collection of rare shirtlifters down
the sink, then you'll have room for one more ironing board. Andi
Peters has a habit of dressing like a klingon.
A monkey= a small device used mainly for conning Geoff Hurst into
lending you his salt mine.
A cabbage= derives from the Latin word "kangaroogroin"
meaning "to put Roy Evans to shame by declaring your love
for bouncy castles and fizzy drinks alike"
I was corrugated at birth, it gives me special powers, ask Paul
Daniels the most famous wizard on earth. He was corrugated in the
same bakery as me. The only drawback of being corrugated is that
you have to wear a spiderman costume everytime your second cousin
comes to visit.
ANOTHER DAY, ANOTHER LAWYER FOR MY VELCRO SUBMARINE
Mr. Duck (or should I call you
corrugated-which do you like best?) I fouund your last response
helpful, if a little odd. I now have a new problem- I'm not at
all sure how to put a stop to these shennanigans- I'm not
entirely sure I even know what shennanigans are, I'm sorry for
being so annoying- your #1 fan,
Paolo the chimney sweep, the Mezzagiorno
Paolo- my dear friend. I am worth my weight in lettuce
if only I can find a new mug to house my ever increasing
collection of belly buttons.
Shennanagans is a member of pop sensation Sclub7 on a rainy day
out. At least I found a home in Mrs Brown's teapot, otherwise I
would have to soak up the rays on the isle of Wight.
BEAN BAGS CLING TO ME LIKE HOLY WATER
Recently, I have noticed a
substantially large number of cabbages in Wapping Square. They
look like they've had a bit too much of Des Lynam and are
consistant in their request to see Dale Winton's fig pie.This was
not a problem until last week, when many of them began to use my
bathroom as a defence mechanism to protect themselves from a very
angry Marshmallow- they are getting anoying- PLEASE help, or I
might have to call out the gardeners.
Mr. D. Vanstramper
You were foolish to think that a patio in the shape of
Bruce Dickenson would save the day- twice a month I have Ironed
my toboggan only to find that Evan Dando was hiding beneath. In a
fit of rage he burst through my shower curtain screaming
playfully "YORKSHIRE PUDDING IS ALL I HAVE LEFT EXCLUDING MY
FAVOURITE SLICE OF WHOLEMEAL BREAD". Later that day shiny
happy people were seen trying to fasten their seatbelts.
Dear Mr. Duck, I was just wondering, if
we ever got cabbages here in the Mezzogiorno, how should we treat
them, what should we feed them, and do the need any additional
form of care (being talkes to, having their hair done etc.)? In
the past you have been very helpful, and I was hoping you could
answer this because if I did get a cabbage I would treasure it
beyond everything else, and I would want to treat it in the right
way, still youe #1 fan,
Paolo the chimney sweep, the Mezzagiorno
Fancy dress and Terry Venables is the key to a healthy
cabbage. As we all know their staple diet is a combination of
coal mines and exotic windscreen wipers washed down with a garden
patio courtesy of Last Minute Beef ltd.
You would, however be foolish to think that I am a flower shop or
indeed a pyroplastic flow for that matter.
In conclusion; treat your cabbage as
you would treat your ironing board: ie. suffer my long long toe
and you will become as safe as a yo-yo.
My cabbage is still trying to kill me
and i am in desperate need of help corrugated duck.if u dont help
me i will get micheal barrymore and jim davidson to come and kick
your ass-they are very hard u know.please help me with this
life-threatening dilema ,duck.u are the only person that can help
me and my cabbage does end up killing me i will sue u for
10,000000000,0000000000000000000 pounds ok?
thankyou xxx
Same old story- Benito Carbone goes on a bicycle, comes
back all shiny. I'd rather open a new bank account with Woolwich
to be perfectly honest.
IT HAS RECENTLY COME TO MY ATTENTION
THAT MY RUKSAC HAS BEEN SETTING HIS TARGETS EXTREAMELY HIGH FOR
THE FORTHCOMMING ANNUAL KNEEJOINT AWARDS. HE BELIEVES THAT HE
WILL SCOOP ALL NINE OSCARS available AS HE SPORTS A RATHER
IMPRESSIVE KNEEJOINT ON HIS UPPER LEFT STRAP. HOWEVER I AM
CONCERNED THAT HE WILL COME AWAY DISSAPOINTED HAVING COME AWAY
WITH NO MORE THAN A SLAP ROUND THE FACE FROM THE OLD DIRTY IGUANA
THAT LIVES IN MY STRIPY BRACES.so please help me corrugated duk.
im now off to pastures new. from the prodigal hankiecheif, ps. Im
slightly concerned of the chinese gentleman who is standing at
the upstairs window.
SUNSHINE TWIN (regan)
Luckily Shonka Guhar cannot impale a lifelong ambition of
his until he reaches the age of 548. It's touch and go wether you
will make the next olympics as a chin wrestler, but one thing is
for sure- Richard Wilson located an icicle the other day.
I sent off for a beer mat the other day only to find Michael
Palin had got there before me. With this in mind, I sought to
limp in the other direction. Failure to do so would result in
dreams of popular quests to American adventure. I shall leave you
with that thought, just remember DANDELIONS ARRIVE AT MY FEET
TWICE DAILY- CHRISTIAN DAILLY THAT IS.
Im addicted to toilet duck - is this a
problem? and secondly i have no friends at school because I kill
all of them - how can i fix this?
sP@nKy
It is only a problem if it is causing you to change your
socks at an astonishing rate. Many people claim to be addicted to
toilet duck, but it is only a small minority that crave sausage
rolls 24 hours a day. If you are on a one stop strategy I suggest
you wink at Brian Deane. Otherwise merely assault Robert
Burtwhistle, but make sure you leave no footprints as this can
lead to brain haemmorages in later life.
If you are sure you consider the friends thing to be a problem,
there is a solution but it is very difficult. You may wish to try
using a foam machete to kill them rather than a real one. This
may prolong their life by up to 800000000000000 years, depending
on the size and weight of your friends. If your friends are ants,
or indeed dust mites, I suggest you try a softer implement such
as an invisible machete. There are some drawbacks to this
approach however; you may still have a problem making friends,
for example, if the idea of them being pelted with a foam machete
doesn't appeal to them.
Flatmates are precious, flatmates are geese. Don't kill your
flatmates, or they'll become priests.
The local squirrels never look me in
the eye. Have I done something to offend them?
JAMiE
It is a well known fact that squirrels are wary of 5
door hatchbacks. Where I come from Bill Shankly is all the rage
and there is even talk of him sitting next to a garage and
murmuring "where did I leave my sausage?" If you are
keen to take a more subtle approach, you could resist the urge of
fucking them up the ass, as this can leave them in tatters. If
this is in vain, there is only 1 thing to do. Top yourself by
singing Papa Roach songs.
i really need your help. rodeo clown
ken has disappeard. how do i locate him? also, i found Jigglypuff
in my boyfriends vagina, but he only eats oranges. what shall i
do?
rodeo barbie
My suggestion would be to drown your boyfriend in a
large vat of molten tables, that should clear the symptoms pretty
sharp-ish. The next step would be to talk to jigglypuff later in
the day so he has time for extra paracetamol, which helps him lie
down under a wigwam. Jigglypuff may look like a screwdriver to
you, but to me he is something special. He is a friendship
bracelet at the best of times.
House dust mites come in small packages, but really that is no
excuse to be working your way through 68 pairs of socks while at
the same time counting sheep.
I leave you with 1 final thought: It is time we all stopped using
gravy as an exercise bike.
I recently discovered a hamster had
found lodging in my leg. Granted my leg is spacious (it has a
swingset and a slide), but occasionally my mother in law comes
over and stands on her head and balances a bowl of chee-tos on
her feet while a grizzly bear in a tutu dances around her. I'm
usually paralyzed with fear when something like this happens
(except for my left middle toe, it has never realy been afraid of
anything). So I've decided to start a Strategic Pencil Delivery
Service. Is this a wise
choice?
Yes, yes it is.
design a sister for Jayne Middlemiss and all will be revealed. Stop making excuses and put a piece of shrapnel to bed
If you have any problems you can email the duck or complete the form below.
The corrugated duck will get back to you soon.